How to get over a break-up

Everyone goes through a break-up sometime in their lives and no matter how many times we all go through them, they are still devastating and earth shattering. We have all heard the tell tale that “if you want to get over someone; get under someone”, while that method has worked for a lot of people it is not always a great idea.

After a break-up it is normal to feel scared, sad, angry and other emotions too. You need to remember that it’s okay to feel those emotions after a break up and you need to feel like that in order to move on. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship, give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship and experience all the hurt that it causes. There are healthier ways of dealing with a break up and I have written a few, this is not a guarantee that you will get over a break up, however these steps will make the break-up less severe.

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1. Keep Your Distance
Even though you might think it’s a good idea to stay friends or even stay in contact with your ex because you feel like you are an emotional ninja and will be able to handle it, don’t do it. Block him/her on what’s app, Facebook, Instagram, Gtalk, Snapchat etc. That will enable you to move on because there’s nothing that is holding you back, or distracting you from the process of getting over the break up.

2. Remove Painful Memory Triggers
A song, smell, clothing or pictures, whatever it is that might trigger your memory and derail you get rid of it. If it is a piece of jewellery that you might want to keep (I don’t recommend this) for the long term, just put it away for the mean time until your emotions settle down.

3. Beware Of Rebound Relationships
Also this one is for the emotional ninjas out there; If you feel like you are ready to take on the responsibility of maintaining a rebound relationship by all means do that, people often get into relationships quickly following a break up, rebound relationships are common but not always a good idea.

4. Start An Intense Aggression-Based Workout Routine
Maybe Pilates are not a good idea for now, let’s try some kickboxing.

5. Stop Blaming Yourself
It takes two people to break-up; clearly the relationship didn’t work out. Take this as a journey to new beginnings, work on yourself, do the entire thing that you always wanted to do. Never blame yourself.

6. Remind your family and friends to keep your ex out of the conversation
This one is pretty obvious; ask them to be sensitive when it comes to your ex. and not bring him/her up in conversations.

7. Restore your social Life

A lot of people isolate themselves from friends and family when they get into a relationship, focusing all their energy on the person they are with. So a time like this is perfect for rebuilding those relationships, or making new ones.

8. Take it day at a time
There are no deadlines. Trust the process and understand that your adjustment can be as gradual as you need it to be. It’ll happen as you become ready for it.

9. See hope as an important part of coping.
For now, you may be holding onto the hope that you’ll figure out how to win back your beloved. But as you grieve and adjust, your hope can change direction—perhaps to hoping that you can create a happy life for yourself—with or without this person.

10. Remind yourself that you still have a future
When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.

THE FRIEND-ZONE: CAN STRAIGHT MEN AND WOMEN BE JUST FRIENDS??

We have all experienced the “friend zone” – the area of mismatched romantic or sexual expectations between friends. And as much as we have discussed the friend zone, the debate is always centered on whether men and women, particularly, can be “just friends”. A discussion with a few friends, both male and female have suggested that men and women might have very different goals and motives for “friendship”. Each look at the responsibilities in friendship and love a bit differently. As a result, they tend to co-create this friend zone confusion.

So this “just friends” question has been debated for a long time, that a survey was done to try to end the speculations that come with inter-sexual friendships. A survey was done on University students regarding the benefits and costs of opposite sex friendships in their lives. In general, many of these benefits and costs were the same for both men and women. For example, both sexes enjoyed opposite-sex friends for dinner companions, conversation partners, self-esteem boosts, information about the opposite sex, social status, respect, and sharing resources. Both sexes also noted some similar costs of opposite-sex friendship, such as jealousy, confusion over the status of the relationship, love not being reciprocated, cruel or mean behaviors, and being less attractive to other potential daters because of the friendship.

Women had their own unique costs and benefits of opposite-sex friendships. They were more likely to experience the benefit of their male friends paying for outings and enjoyed the physical protection of those friends (men saw these as costs of time and money). Women also enjoyed the ability to network through male friends. However, as noted above, women found it costly when those male friends desired sex or romance. They also disliked when their male friends caused difficulty in the women’s other dating efforts.

The conclusion of this research is that, men and women may sometimes have very different goals and desires in opposite-sex friendships. Although both may sometimes be looking for a companion and nothing more, on other occasions, plans may differ. More specifically, men appear to be more likely to look at opposite sex friends as potential sexual and romantic partners. Women, in contrast, tend to prefer non-sexual friendships, which provide protection and resources.

To make matters worse, each sex sees the other’s benefit as their own cost. Thus, women tend to find it costly and difficult when male friends desire sex and romance. Men, in contrast, find the time and money demands costly and frustrating, particularly when their romantic desires are not reciprocated. So, due to the mismatched desires, we have the makings of friendship difficulties.

What does this mean for the “friend zone”? The friend zone is essentially an unequal relationship, where the desires of both friends are not equally met. It may exist in a “just friends” context, where resources are being shared (usually gratifying the woman’s needs), but sex and romance is not an option (usually frustrating the man). A mismatch can also occur in a “friends-with-benefits” context, where sex is being shared (usually satisfying the man), but resources and protection are not forthcoming (usually frustrating the woman).

Although these patterns are the most common, however, it is important to note that either sex can experience either situation. Some women may desire no-strings-attached sex with a friend. Some men may desire a long-term relationship with a hook-up buddy. The important thing to remember is the MISMATCH in goals. The trade is not equally satisfying for both friends.

The research conducted shows that it may often be hard for men and women to be friends. They often have very different expectations for what that “friendship” will entail. However, there is some common ground. So, with a bit of effort, in some situations, satisfying friendships can be created. Understanding different friendship needs can be helpful in identifying the type of friendship you will have. It is common for people to think only about what they want. They may even think what they desire is somehow more noble and important. That simply is not the case.

When entering into any relationship, even a simple friendship, what others desire may be different. Each person’s goals for the friendship may be unique. Some people want companionship, others resources. Some want sex, others commitment. To have a friendship of any kind, it is important to respect those differences. Don’t let anyone shame you out of your desires. Don’t do it to your “friends” in return either. When entering into a friendship, even an already existing friendship, Communicate your intentions. Frustration and difficulty starts when both individuals are not honest about their goals.

For example, a man may claim he desires only companionship, when he really wants a girlfriend. Or, a woman may hook-up, when she really desires to be dined, protected, and dated. Without knowing, their “friends” may not take care of those needs.
So, if you want something specific out of a friendship, it is important to show it. That may mean a conversation and asking questions. It may also mean acting more like a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” than a simple friend from the start, making sexual or commitment requests early on. For example, some men say that “they don’t pay for outings, unless a woman is looking to be their girlfriend”. Some women communicate that “they don’t sleep with men who are not interested in a longer relationship”.
Yet others talk about their pre-existing “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, letting others know that “friendship only” is available. In any case, it is important for both parties to be clear what will and will not be part of the “friendship”.

It is essential to communicate your desires and listen to those of others.
Can men and women be just friends? In many cases, the answer is no. Sometimes that is good thing, when both people see friendship as a step to mutually-satisfying love, sex, and/or commitment. At other times, men and women cannot be “just” friends because only one friend desires something more. Those mismatched desires between men and women lead to unequal friend zone situations, where one person’s needs are completely satisfied at the other’s expense. Those unfortunate instances and the frustrations around them are the friendship problems we hear so much about.

Nevertheless, friendship between men and women is not impossible. However, it does require finding someone with friendship goals matching your own. Communicating clearly and leaving when there is not a match is key. Also, if you desire “just friends”, then it may be better to pick only friends who are already in other romantic relationships. That way, you can have a satisfying exchange, a good friend, and no frustration.

Natural Hair VS Weaves

The debate about natural hair vs weaves has been going on for years and with more issues like skin bleaching,selling of human hair, the issue has only grown more branches as it is believed that all these topics are related. The growing number of black women transitioning from chemically relaxed hairstyles to natural hairstyles has inspired a strong sisterhood within the hair care community. Yet it also spawned divisions between wearers of relaxed hair VS natural hair and has led  to a debate among over what it means to be natural.

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Arguably the natural hair movement is a celebration of black women’s beauty,and so wigs, weaves and extensions do not contribute to being natural. Please note that “bald head scally wags” are not the only people who wear fake hair. Black, white, red purple and women of all races ,backgrounds and hair types wear weaves. I have friends with mid back length hair that wear wigs, weaves etc. for fun and to change things up.

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At the end of the day I believe a female should focus on the hairstyle that makes her happy and best expresses her style, personality and creativity. If a man will change his tune over a change of hairstyle then he is not for you.

At the end of the day who died and made anybody the hair police??

Are You Ready To Live Together With Your Partner?

Do you think my boyfriend and I should live together?” My friend asked. I could tell from her bloodshot eyes that she’d been pondering the question all night. What scares you the most? I asked. She said, “I’m afraid it’ll ruin our relationship” and also my parents won’t approve, we were raised to not even think of living with a man before marriage.
I knew she wasn’t being dramatic, for many couples in a serious relationship, the next logical step before marriage is living together. But not for 45% of women in South Africa who believe that moving in with your partner before marriage will make him not want to marry you. As the saying goes “Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free?” and I don’t blame these women; because when I was a little girl I would see and hear the senior female members of my family lecture my cousins about how wrong that is and they would often hold a “family meeting” to put the disobedient children in line for doing exactly that.

Living in sin as they would call it, is not for the faint hearted, whether the reason to do that is to test the relationship, having the fear of living alone or just plainly having the desire to live together. As a couple you need to have the “talk” first before you move in together; If you have concerns about cleanliness, how chores are going to be shared, paying the bills, and even who is welcome when you are not there. My friend looked even more confused by my response because she thought it will be all fun and roses, which it has a possibility of becoming as long as you get the hard discussions out of the way. If possible run a trial by spending a month in each other’s place, bad habits and how a person normally lives tend to emerge when you are feeling at home.

When you are living with your partner, pick your battles because it requires a lot of compromise but it shouldn’t be constant. If small, low impact habits (toilet seat down, anyone?) are getting on your nerves, consider finding a solution that doesn’t depend on your partner changing, bare in mind that you also have a thousand bad habits of your own that your partner might have to get used to; so don’t ask for changes unless you are also willing to work on some yourself.

Living together is the ultimate test; will the relationship survive the less glamorous aspect of cohabitating? Will it survive the meaningless arguments about dishes and dirty laundry? Living together isn’t like in the movies-studies show that believing movie portrayal of ideal relationships can increase one’s dissatisfaction in their own relationships. So I said to my friend at the end of the day it is your choice to do it and whatever the outcome of that decision you will be responsible for it. Not me or your family. Given these many cultural and emotional obstacles, is it any wonder that couples wavering in their commitment often witness the demise of their relationship once they start living under the same roof?

Being A True Friend

In the past few years I have constantly struggled to maintain and keep healthy friendships, mainly because I always looked at how my friends wronged me. I looked at how bad of friends they were to me, I always believed that i deserved the best in life, which i do but that made be oblivious to people’s flaws. I kept on pointing out flaws in my friendships and in my friends themselves , I forgot to look at my own flaws, i forgot to look at my contribution to why the friendship was bad.

As i grew older I began to reflect and assess each and every relationship and friendship I had, I assessed my role in making the friendship what it was, i would also reflect on what hurt me the most about the altercation, obviously fights in friendships happen, I am in no way saying, you should let people play on your feelings, I believe for better friendships and relationships; if you tell someone that you didn’t like what they did ‘or said and they try fix whatever it is they did then they care about you, those people to me are real friends to keep, But if you let a friend know that you don’t like what they did and they don’t do anything to rectify their mistake then they don’t care about the friendship, it’s that simple.

The kind of friends I’m talking about are ones that walk with you while you cry in the rain, they are not afraid to tell you that the dress you are wearing to dinner is not flattering or the man you are going out with is no good, the true friends, the people you can fully rely on. I’m  not of fan of new year’s resolutions but in 2016, I aim to become a better friend, to be open to friendships, I aim to be a better daughter, a better sibling, a better lover. I will always strive to be better in everything I do, no matter how challenging it might seem, It is all about reaching the next level, What do you aim to do differently?

The last moments

When the year ends, you automatically start reflecting on the past year and start planning for the upcoming one.This year has been amazing, it has been an absolute blessing. I have had a chance to work with one of the best journalists to ever come out of South Africa, not only is she brilliant at what she does, she is also a remarkable person. She exposed to me to great people and great places, even though our time together was brief she made a huge impact in my life.

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The Black Cumin team

I also lost a person who is close to my heart this year, my uncle, Charles Mokopela, his death was such a surprise to all of us, we are still in shock and disbelief to this day. He was my number one cheerleader, he always encouraged me to be the best in all I do, his words will forever be in my heart, Robala Ka Kgotso Malome.

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Aubuti, Bosso ya di Bosso

In the same week I lost my uncle, i bought my second car, it was such a bitter sweet moment for me, I felt proud of my self for working hard all this time to be able to afford myself a new car but sad on the other side, because my uncle isn’t here to witness it. Even in these moments I still send praises up for all the blessings I have received.

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My second baby

When the year progresses, i felt i needed to change the direction my career was taking and so i decided to apply to work at one of the best media companies in the country, by the grace of God i got the job, it has been an absolute delight to work there, it has been an amazing experience , surrounded by amazing people.

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The #baddest team

Last but not least, my family, who have been there for me from day one, when i couldn’t wake up or go on, they were there.Lets make more special memories in 2016 and love more!!

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